As a butterfly pauses, she is also nourished by the sweet nectar she lives for. So too, God renews us with sacred pauses where we can find the spiritual nectar we live for.
As his mom, I have been busy for over a month now, taking him to specialists, going to pharmacies, doing research, talking to nutritionists, health professionals, trying to figure out what is best for our skinny little boy who has been in constant pain for a month, was losing about 1 pound a week (although he was eating) and preferred to be in bed, instead of outside playing, just hanging around the house so lethargically. When I compare him now to the active and strong (although skinny) kid he has always been, I feel sad. His life, for now, has changed.
There have been moments when I have paused, and focused on our blessings. I am thankful and aware that this illness, with no known cure could go away on its own, so I pray that it does. I am also aware that there are worse illnesses he could have, so a part of me feels guilty that I am worrying so much.
Today I woke up; I have been gripped by sadness. Why? He’s going to be fine. He is under great care with a competent gastroenterologist. I am surrounded by good friends and an awesome family who are very supportive. Maybe I am emotional because I’m a “girl” and that’s how we tend to be wired. (That is such a stereotype, I know!) Maybe it’s because I’m weak and I am struggling to find that “real” faith to sustain me. Maybe I just fear the unknown. This is what has been floating through my head all morning, as I have tried to concentrate on my work.
Then I came across this while reading in the Holy book of Psalms:
“… I was hard pressed and falling, but the Lord came to my help.
The Lord, my strength and might, came to me as savior.
The joyful shout of deliverance is heard in the tents of the victors….
The stone the builders rejected has become the cornerstone.
By the Lord has this been done; it is wonderful in our eyes.
This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad.”
Ok, I see now.... there is no shame in how I am feeling. It’s ok to say “I feel sad”. This is what it is all about when one has true and active faith. The psalmist obviously was trying to console God’s chosen people with the truth of God’s promise, and today he consoled me. We are not be mere spectator’s…we are called to lean into our fears and know that God is right there with us. Some people say a day like today is God’s way of testing my faith…no, I don’t believe this is a “test”. Simply, it is about learning to love God in a new way. Today God is asking me to stop for minute and learn to love him more.
Loving God is about my willingness to face my fears and be in touch with my emotions. It would be wrong for me to ignore this sadness that seems to be creeping into my heart today. I must feel it and live it, knowing that that is where God is. It is about embracing our low points as well as the high points. Feeling sad, is not a test of my faith, nor is it having weak faith. Thanks to the psalmist I now understand my emotion is God’s personal invitation to be one with him in a sacred pause.
I feel like I keep running into the wall over and over since this ordeal began with Zac. I need to realize that I too have to pause and thank God for all our blessings. We have been through tougher times with him and with the help of our families, friends and our Faith, we were able to get past that. We need to count on them again and hopefully soon we will be able to look back at this time and see that through the Grace of God we became stronger and our Faith got richer.
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